Joking Around

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Peace. . . What a concept!!

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

I hope you like a good – or even a silly – joke. I surely do.
I hope you like to laugh. I do.
Life can be comical, and laughter does a spirit good…
Have you heard the one about calling heaven and getting your voicemail system?
It’s pretty funny. In after-hour emergencies, the instruction is to call our local pastor!
The joke might be on us…
Good one!
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“If you must know, pi was one of God’s jokes on mathematicians.”
[I don’t get it, and He never said it.]

D. Blog: The Cynic’s Dictionary

AUTHOR:
A writer with connections in the publishing industry.

BOSS:
A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live in free societies.

CHILDHOOD:
The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on a drug or weapons charge.

DENIAL:
How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.

EXPERIENCE:
In the working world, something you can't get unless you've already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it.

FITNESS:
Salvation through perspiration.

GOURMET:
A food fetishist.

HOOKER:
A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for even less.

IDEOLOGUE:
Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots.

JEANS:
Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being the zits.

KLEPTOMANIAC:
A thief with breeding.

LABORATORY ANIMALS:
Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.

MARTIAL ARTS:
A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a
semi-automatic.

NEIGHBORS:
The strangers who live next door.

ORGASM:
The punchline some women just don't get, generally because their mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.

PARASITE:
A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, like a tapeworm or a biographer.

QUAGMIRE:
Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.

REDNECK:
Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing one in person.

SMILE:
To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward a fellow human.

TRAILER PARKS:
Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill.

UNWED MOTHER:
One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will.

VOTING:
The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as long as they do it alone.

WHITE SUPREMACISTS:
The most convincing argument against the theory of white racial superiority.

X-RAY:
A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create new ones to make future examinations more fruitful.

Y-CHROMOSOME:
A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to ask for directions when lost.

ZOO:
A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.