Smile Please

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Speak softly and carry a big smile.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

Let’s do lunch. I know a great place with excellent food, nice atmosphere, lots of smiling faces. It’s called a pot luck. See you there.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“Haven’t I seen you here before?”

[Always ready with a pick-up line, but He never said this.]

D. Blog: Sabbath Joke

A Priest's Job Ladder

A Catholic priest and a rabbi were chatting one day when the conversation turned to a discussion of job descriptions and promotions."What do you have to look forward to in terms of being promoted?" asked the rabbi.

"Well, I'm next in line for the Monsignor's job," replied the priest.

"Yes, and then what?" asked the rabbi.

"Well, next I can become a bishop."

"Yes, and then?"

"If I work real hard and do a good job as bishop, it's possible for me to become an archbishop."

"OK, then what?"

Exasperated, the priest replied, "With some luck and real hard work, maybe I can become a cardinal."

"And then?"

Growing angry, the priest responded, "Well, with lots and lots of luck and some real difficult work, if I'm in the right places at the right times and play my political games just right, maybe, just maybe, I can get elected Pope."

"Yes, and then what?"

"Good grief!" shouted the priest. "What do you expect me to become, GOD?"

"Well," responded the rabbi, "One of our boys made it!"

Where Would Jesus Eat?

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

How about a campaign for a global vacation from violence?

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

When the world seems dark with peril,
Your light shines.
When life brings crisis and disaster,
Your light shines.
When joy fills our days,
Your light shines.
When storm clouds appear on the horizon,
Your light shines.
When love meets us more than half way,
Your light shines.
When dreams die,
Your light shines.
When hope leads us onward,
Your light shines.
When death comes for us,
Your light shines.
No darkness can overcome you.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“I think this eatery called 12 Bones would be the ideal place to take you guys for our last supper, but it only serves lunch – and it’s in a place called Asheville.”

[I couldn’t resist. Great place to eat, but He certainly didn’t say this.]

D. Blog: Seen In Passing

- We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough religion to make us love one another.

- It’s hard to convince people that you’re killing them for their own good.

- I haven’t been the same since that house fell on my sister.

- Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.

Are You Up to Snuff?

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

The Kangaroos for Peace tell us:
“Along with the young in our pouch, we carry the world’s hope for peace. We spring forward with that hope. Join us in hopping for peace.”

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

Thank you for being so available to me. Sometimes I wonder if it’s too good to be true. Perhaps we do make you in our own image. Perhaps you are a figment o the imagination. Perhaps our concepts of you do not correspond to reality. Perhaps my understanding that you are loving, forgiving, creative, just, merciful, concerned for the poor and the underdog -- perhaps I should scrap all that in favor of the lawgiver and judge.

But my experience of you reveals you as the former type of God, concerned primarily that your dominion be expanded, meaning that the accessible, loving, forgiving understanding of who you are be shared and accepted ever more widely – with or without the church, just as you did it with or without Judaism, just as you will do it, hopeful, with or without Christianity.

For what it’s worth, you have my allegiance.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“One sees great things from the valley; only small things from the peak.”

[It could have been His response to Satan’s temptations. But G.K. Chesterton gets credit for this saying.]

D. Blog: What's Up with "Up to Snuff?"

Q: What exactly does it mean to get something "up to snuff" ? How do you know when you've actually reached "snuff". What is "snuff"? And why is it so important that we get there?

A: The original sense of the phrase is knowing, sharp, not easily deceived. It dates to 1811. The snuff is a reference to the form of tobacco. Presumably, someone who is up to snuff is adult and worldly. Literally, it is one who knows how dangerous snuff can be.

[credit to http://answers.yahoo.com and www.wordorigins.org]

Got Hope?

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

The saints are people of peace.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

All hope proceeds from your hope in creating the cosmos.
Within that overwhelming hope lies the hope for life.
Within that fruitful hope lies the hope for humanity.
Within that impressive hope, there is hope for me.
Hopes fulfilled because of your abiding care.
Thank you.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“I hope you people are satisfied now.”

[Another not-spoken word from the cross.]

D. Blog: We Need Hope…

• Daniel James Massey, 18, of Black Mountain, was charged with first degree burglary, two counts of attempted assault with a deadly weapon and communicating threats. Massey broke into a home in Black Mountain and tried to attack the residents with a large wooden stick, according to warrants. He also threatened to kill one of the residents, warrants state. His bond was set at $8,000.
• Darius Terril Jefferson, 17, of Asheville, was charged with two counts of robbery with a dangerous weapon and one count of attempted robbery with a dangerous weapon. His bond was set at $60,000.
• Dominic Devita, 21, of Asheville, was charged with possession of cocaine, possession of Methadone, possession of Clonazepan, driving while license revoked and purchasing alcohol for someone under age. His bond was set at $6,000.

Goddess, Arise in Us

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Anything less than lasting peace means war is in vain.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

You wait for our return.
You wait for our growth.
You wait for our learning.
You wait for our trust.
Here we are, ready or not.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“In my next coming, I will appear in the USA and start a new religious movement.”

[He did not say that.]

D. Blog: Holy Goddess

I am puzzled about why we would fear the Goddess, Mother of all. Is it that we imagine a jealous God? That means we fear “him” more. But surely Divinity is one, union of male an female. If “he” is one with the Spirit and with Jesus, “he” is surely one with “her”.

Do we fear the Goddess because we don’t know her as well? Do we fear her because our mothers were first to discipline us, because we feared they might withdraw their care from us?

I think the answer lies mostly in that we fear the lawgiving, judging and punishing God. Jesus began to overturn that notion of God, but then the church pinned the notion of sacrificial atonement to His crucifixion, and that leaves us with the awful understanding of a God who would require the death of his only son to make up for the depravity of humanity. I see no grace in that.

My mother had/has more understanding and empathy. As does the Goddess, the divine feminine, the Absolute Mysterious, the Holy One who reveals true grace.

Counting Blessings? Impossible!

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

If we value peace, what kind of salary should peace activists receive? (Unlike soldiers, they don’t expect salary and benefits).

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

The blessings accumulate minute by minute, breath upon breath, step by step.
The blessings mount up all the way to you – with every act of love and service, every good or noble deed.
The blessings go beyond what we know how to measure – the contributions of electrons or cells, peasants and pets.
The blessings reach realms where you alone comprehend – creation, life, death and eternity.
The blessings overwhelm our capacity to count or categorize – infinity is your territory, so we leave the accounting to you.
We won’t try to number our blessing; we simply express our humble thanks.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“Seeing the holes in my knees, I think I need a pair of Levi’s.”

[I like it, but He never said it.]

D. Blog: A Haiku

No word, no thought.
No Word, no hope.
With both, all things become possible

What Do We Teach?

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Remember the song “One Tin Soldier”? What did the army do after they found the treasure that simply said “Peace on Earth”? Threw down their weapons forever, I hope.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

For health and illness and recovery from illness…
For strength and weakness and helpful neighbors…
For daily food and appetite and abundance…
We give thee thanks and honor and praise…
You give it all meaning.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“You know, Mom, a scrap of the swaddling cloths you saved from my birth would sell for at least 30 pieces of silver on e-Bay some day.”

[We buy and sell many things, but He never said this.]

D. Blog: Teach Me

If you give me a fish, I’ll have something to eat.
If you teach me to fish, I’ll support myself.
If you give me a gun, I’ll find something to kill.
If you teach me to kill, I’ll find reasons or war.
If you teach me to share, we’ll all have enough.
If you teach me to care, we’ll find a way to peace.

What's Good for National Souls?

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Here’s the peace plan: Thou shalt not kill.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

I converse with you, and my day is complete.
I think of my children, and my day is complete.
I lie beside Alice, and my day is complete.
I meet joyful people, and my day is complete
I see beauty in its variety, and my day is complete.
I experience surprising moments, and my day is complete
I know the goodness o life, and my day is complete.
I recall all of that, and my life is complete.
But never over.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“I’m leaving you disciples because absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

[No, not exactly what He said at the Last Supper.]

D. Blog: Confession: Good for the Soul of Nations

I once heard William Sloane Coffin observe that we might have better prospects for peace if leaders of nations could demonstrate some humility and confess national failings. The image he used had the presidents of the US and USSR confessing to each other that their nations had done terrible things. Now it might be the leaders of the US, Russia, Britain and China. All have blood-stained histories of oppression and genocide and violating human rights, absolutely belying the values they claim to hold dear. Confession would be good for our national souls, and for the peace of the world.

Prepare the Way!

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Prepare the way for world peace.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

In your presence we might feel unworthy, might expect little because we feel so little.
But you call us your children.

Holy Jesus,

In your presence, we might feel weak, might wonder why you care for us.
But you call us to your side and commission us as your disciples.

Holy Spirit,

In your presence, we might feel tongue-tied, might shy from public display of faith.
But you empower us to tell our story of life with God in faith in the Jesus way.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“I’ll have a Reuben and ice tea.”

[He never said it, but it does make me wonder…]

D. Blog: Provoking Bumpers

- Born Again Pagan

- God protect me from your followers!

- Hang Up And Drive!!

- Please forgive me; I was raised by wolves

Take Me to Your Honky Tonk

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Peace comes to our personal lives when the wrestling match with God ends. At that point we honor God and respect ourselves. I wonder if peace comes to an earthly power when it stops trying to take the place of God.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

Earth teems with signs of your presence and activity.
You have but to breathe and life appears.
You stretch and the universe expands by a million light years.
You write more dramas in a day than humans have written in our history.
You influence more lives in a second than any person has touched in millennia.
Your greatness is beyond comparison.
Thus we worship you.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“So, Yogi Sinkar, you say that in my former life I was a pig… That would explain a lot.”

[But He wasn’t and He didn’t say it.]

D. Blog: Odd Name – “Honky Tonk” (from the sound of geese??)

[from Wikipedia]

A honky tonk (also called a honkatonk, honkey-tonk, or tonk) is a type of bar with musical entertainment that is common in the Southwestern and Southern United States. The term has also been attached to various styles of 20th-century American music.
The Oxford English Dictionary (OED) states that the origin of the term honky tonk is unknown. The earliest source explaining the derivation of the term (spelled "honkatonk") was an article published in 1900 by the New York Sun and widely reprinted in other newspapers. It states that the term came from the sound of geese, which led an unsuspecting group of cowboys to the flock instead of to the variety show they expected. The OED also states that the first use in print was in 1894 in the Daily Ardmoreite (Ardmore, Oklahoma) newspaper, in which it was written "honk-a-tonk". However, honkatonk has been cited from at least 1892 in the Galveston Daily News (Galveston, Texas), which used the term to refer to an adult establishment in Fort Worth
.
The "tonk" portion of the name may have come from a brand name of piano. One American manufacturer of large upright pianos was the firm of William Tonk & Bros. (established 1889), which made a piano with the decal "Ernest A. Tonk". These upright grand pianos, made in Chicago and New York, were called "Tonk pianos". Some found their way to Tin Pan Alley and may have given rise to the expression of "honky tonk bars". It is unlikely, however, that a Tin Pan Alley piano manufactured in 1889 would influence the vocabulary in either Texas or Indian Territory by 1892 or 1894.

The term honky was, as a term for whites, derived from bohunk and hunky. In the early 1900s, these were derogatory terms for Bohemian, Hungarian, and Polish immigrants. According to Robert Hendrickson, author of the Encyclopedia of Word and Phrase Origins, Black workers in Chicago meatpacking plants picked up the term from white workers and began applying it indiscriminately to all Caucasians. "Father of the Blues" W.C. Handy wrote of "Negroes and hunkies" in his autobiography.

Honky tonks were rough establishments, mostly in the Deep South and Southwest, that served alcoholic beverages to working class clientele. Honky tonks sometimes also offered dancing to piano players or small bands, and were sometimes also centers of prostitution. Katrina Hazzard-Gordon writes that the honky-tonk was "the first urban manifestation of the jook", and that "the name itself became synonymous with a style of music. Related to the classic blues in tonal structure, honky-tonk has a tempo that is slightly stepped up. It is rhythmically suited for many African-American dances."
As Chris Smith and Charles McCarron noted in their 1916 hit song "Down in Honky Tonk Town", "It's underneath the ground, where all the fun is found."

Although the derivation of the term is unknown, honky tonk originally referred to bawdy variety shows in the West (Oklahoma and Indian Territories and Texas) and to the theaters housing them. The earliest mention of them in print refers to them as "variety theaters" and describe the entertainment as "variety shows". The theaters often had an attached gambling house and always a bar.

In recollections long after the frontiers closed, writers such as Wyatt Earp and E.C. Abbott referred often to honky tonks in the cowtowns of Kansas, Nebraska, Montana, etc. of the 1870s and 1880s. Their recollections contain lurid accounts of the women and violence accompanying the shows. However, in contemporary accounts these were nearly always called hurdy gurdy shows, possibly derived from the term hurdy gurdy that was sometimes mistakenly applied to a small, portable barrel organ that was frequently played by organ grinders and buskers (street musicians).As late as 1913, Col. Edwin Emerson, a former Rough Rider commander, hosted a honky-tonk party in New York City. The Rough Riders were recruited from the ranches of Texas, New Mexico, Oklahoma and Indian Territories, so the term was still in popular use during the Spanish American War.

An Awesome Place

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Peace through torture never works.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

Because you created an amazing universe in which to live, as your creatures we trust you – even when faced with what we cannot understand.
Because you gave us astonishing abilities to move and think, create and love, as your children we trust you – even when we see great human evil.
Because you bless us with freedom, forgiveness, work and companionship, as partners in relationship we trust you – even when we recognize badly broken bonds.
Because you revealed yourself to us in Jesus, as vulnerable ones we trust you – even when we feel our shame and weakness.
Because you made life so precious, as those who share a love of life we trust you – even when death awaits.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“The Empire strikes back.”

[Just another thing He didn’t say from the cross.]

D. Blog: Earthen Beauty

A week after my return, I still reflect on our days in Glacier National Park. It’s beauty astounds people. I took many photographs, some of them quite impressive. The clerk who processed them at the camera shop even asked “Where did you go? Those are some amazing landscapes!”

Yet, one early visitor expressed something of what I felt. He said there are no words to describe the place and no photographs can capture its grandeur. One can only take partial mementos from this or other natural wonders. We can recognize their majesty, but cannot claim it for ourselves in word or picture.

An expression of my awe…

How Full Is Your Cup?

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Did I hear correctly? Peace on Earth?

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

Fill my cup, for there is emptiness in my life.
Fill my cup, for I thirst for righteousness.
Fill my cup, so I may share your love with others.
Fill my cup, so I may drink of your spirit.
Fill my cup, so I may enjoy the communion of the saints.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“My favorite sport? I’d have to say it’s a Gentile thing called hang-gliding, with NASCAR a close second.”

[Did He know? Even so, He never said this.]

D. Blog: Pondering the Absolute Mysterious

Jesus' Ride

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

On the whole, I’d rather be in Peace, where philadelphia is real.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

Awesome!
The universe.
Earth.
Humans.
Life.
You.

All defy descriptive language. Just awesome! Or that term the Blackfeet tribe uses (see my blog two days ago): Absolute Mysterious. It’s a privilege to experience it and be part of it.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“The Hummer is my kind of vehicle – awesome!”

[What He really wanted for the ride into Jerusalem? He never said it, took the energy efficient option.]

D. Blog: A Haiku

Fish in a tank swim
Aimlessly – or do they
Wait for evolution?

Bedtime Prayer?

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

They keep coming – the messengers of peace.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

The nature of the happiness that we pursue so eagerly makes a world of difference.
Global domination cannot provide it any more than money can. Until we surrender to your domination, lasting happiness lies beyond our orbit of experience.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“What do you think, James? Should I try out for Jewish Idol?”

[Didn’t try hard enough, I guess. But He never said it.]

D. Blog: If I Should Die Before I Wake

That line from a commonly taught child’s bedtime prayer troubles me. I know that’s not what Jesus had in mind when He said “Let the children come to me.” And it seems a very frightening thing to teach children as a prayer.

Unless…

Perhaps it’s a prayer that we grown-ups should consider for ourselves. Suppose it’s not about the possibility of not waking from physical sleep. Suppose we were to die before awakening to the light of Earth’s beauty, of life’s wonder, of the miraculous presence of the Divine in us and our neighbors? Suppose we die before we waken to experience the radiance of sharing love, forgiveness, compassion, justice and peace? Suppose we die before we waken to the shining hope of divine dominion in and among us?

Then perhaps we should pray for the Holy One to take our souls.

Absolute Mysterious

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Psst… Pass it on: Peace Now!

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

Your grace knows no bounds.
Presumptuous though it sounds, my gratitude is likewise boundless.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“Thou shalt not put the cart before the donkey.”

[He was into blessings rather than commandments, so He never said this.]

D. Blog: Glacial Impression

We spent several days recently in Glacier National Park, deemed by one early visitor "The Crown of the Continent.” I’ve not seen the entire continent, but I know this park inspires awe and wonder. The Blackfeet who lived (and still live) in the area called the Divine “Absolute Mysterious.” Seeing the grandeur of the park certainly gives rise to that reaction and concept. Even the four-year-old we heard upon his first sight of Avalanche Lake could only say “Wow!”

The photo shows Alice and Myra pondering the Absolute Mysterious above Hidden Lake...

Overwhelming Life

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Have you hugged your peace today?

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

You flood me with input such that it momentarily overwhelms me.
Situations in church life that disturb my peace.
Drama among family and friends.
A season of joy that turns stressful.
The latest gossip presented as news.

The ongoing beauty of nature.
The pleasures of my hobby.
Easy routines of daily life.
Household and garden tasks that satisfy.
New books with stimulating ideas and images.
Good food and conversation.

Your constant presence while I try to integrate it all.
I think a larger central processing unit would make a great Christmas gift.
How about it?
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“Your feet make you look like a dirty dozen tonight. I’d better wash them, especially yours, Peter.”

[No, not exactly what He said.]

D. Blog: Have Bumper, Will Travel

- History is on the side of the dandelion. – Garrison Keillor

- “Realism” is just make-believe in a uniform or a lab-coat

- A patriot must be ready to defend his country against his government – Edward Abbey

- The moral high ground is built on compassion

Try This Word

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Home is where we practice making peace through forgiveness.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

Will we come to our senses?
Will we recognize that war is the enemy?
Will we see that our survival depends not on might of arms, but on cooperation and the power of loving persuasion?
Will we give up the attempts to make names for ourselves with arrogant towers? (Or towering arrogance?)
Will we, finally, do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with you?
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“Judas, you know I prefer sensibility over your realism.”

[Still an issue, but He never said this.]

D. Blog: Gadzooks!

[From the Online Etymology Dictionary]

1694, from some exclamation, possibly God's hooks (nails of the cross) or even God's hocks. The use of Gad for God (cf. egad) is first attested 1598. Among other similar phraseological combinations (all from 17c.) were gadsbobs, gadslid, and gadsniggers.

[From Michael Quinlan at www.worldwidewords.org]

Gadzooks is usually said to be an alteration of God’s hooks, that is, the nails by which Christ was fastened to the cross. It’s one of a set of late seventeenth and early eighteenth century euphemistic oaths that used gad as a thinly disguised version of God, often attached to a second element of uncertain parentage. Other examples are Gadsbobs, Gadsnigs, Gadsbudlikins, Gadsokers, Gadsprecious, and Gadswookers.

Enjoy the Gift

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Psst… I’ve got a tip for you politicians: risk it all on peace.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

If even a blind person sees your glory, how can some seeing people be blind to it?
If even a deaf person hears your call, how can some hearing people be deaf to it?
If even an insane person can speak your praises, how can some sane people not understand your love?
If even an impoverished person can give offerings of thanksgiving, how can some wealthy people express no thanks or service to you?
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“Micah, I’m pretty sure my birth did not involve a stork.”

[Other incredible things, perhaps… But He never said this.]

D. Blog: Death and Dying

A friend lay dying. A good, friendly, compassionate and intelligent man dedicated to building peace. I know he wanted to live. I also know he did not fear his inevitable death. That tension or contradiction resonates in me. I have some fear of death, but not of death. The certainty of the latter may dampen the uncertainty of the former, but we all wish for an easy, “peaceful” process of dying, without agony or severe pain and anguish or the gradual withering into what looks like a human vegetative condition.

We might also worry about how our dying will affect those we love, as if we are so important that they cannot survive without us. Sometimes, I guess that is true. I prefer the line from Evita: “Weep not for me.” I will be fine. Tend to your own lives. Mine has been wonderful. I want you to enjoy yours. I’d like to say something like that when the time comes. I’m convinced that the “purpose of life” is to enjoy it while we can – and to help others do the same when we can.

Who Disturbs Our Peace?

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Peace won’t upset God at all.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

Do we entertain you, amuse you, keep you young?
Do we frustrate you, whine too much, make bad choices?
Do we bring you joy, make you weep sometimes, surprise you?
Do we please you, at times warm your heart, puzzle you frequently?
Yeah. I’m a parent, too. I can identify.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“Jerusalem or Bust!”

[Busted there, but He didn’t say it.]

D. Blog: Religious Disturbance

Too often religion and religious people disturb peace of mind rather than provide it. That might be necessary on occasion in the interest of justice and peaceful relations. At other times, the disturbance hinders our relationship with divinity. It does so by distorting understandings of the Divine as we give too much authority to a religion and to those who claim to speak for it and for the Divine.

When the Divine speaks within us, we hear of love, compassion and forgiveness for us and the divine urge that we extend those same qualities and actions to our neighbors. Then it’s the proverbial lightbulb: “Oh! I should have known that.”

Being Wanted

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

We toss peace out the window, but she keeps knocking at the door.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

What you set in motion leaves me without words to describe it…
The things you do for us every moment of our lives cannot be enumerated…
The things you do for love go far beyond our awareness…
After all – and before all – you are the Holy One and we are not.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“You could say we make up a Maker’s Dozen.”

[I could say it, but He didn’t.]

D. Blog: A Haiku

Uncle Sam Wants You! Jesus Wants You!
Do you think:
“There’s a difference!”?

Blotto Meets Blotter

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

It is no small thing to pray for peace when all life depends on it.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

By the dawn’s early light, I see a world of beauty
and the possibilities seem countless.

By the dawn’s early light, hope arises anew
and peace appears undeniable.

By the dawn’s early light, songs fill the air
and a flag is a cipher to those who make the music.

By the dawn’s early light, trouble fades into the background
and even a sealed tomb has emptied.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“James, make sure those teenagers don’t create a mosh pit this time when I preach.”

[Young audience, probably. Mosh, no way!]

D. Blog: Blotto Meets Blotter

August 4, 2008 Arrest Blotter

• Asheville police Sunday morning arrested Brian Patrick Fitzmaurice, 24, on charges of being intoxicated and disruptive in front of Magnolia’s bar and resisting a public officer by ducking and hiding resulting in the officer tasing him. The Asheville resident is being held on a $200 bond.

[I love it. Ducking and hiding results in being tased? Plus, I wonder how bond amounts are determined in a judge’s mind. What he had in his wallet, so he wouldn’t occupy a cell overnight? Or more than what he had in his wallet, so he would occupy a cell overnight. I get curious when I see these arresting accounts.]

Latest Unitarian Universalist Miracle

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

The way forward leads only to peace.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

Don’t get me wrong, I’m wild about this place.
No buts.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Earth.
Just a couple of buts.
Don’t get me wrong, I love Jesus.
No buts.
Don’t get me wrong, I love people.
Just some occasional buts.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my life.
No buts.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my religious community.
Just a few minor buts.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my self.
Just as I am.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my family.
Just – no, it doesn’t matter.
Don’t get me wrong, I love you.
Just – because you don’t do conditional love.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“Hey, Judas, that’s no way to say goodbye.”

[Similar, perhaps, but not what He said to Judas in the garden.]

D. Blog: Unitarian Universalist Jokes

Q: Have you heard the latest UU miracle?
A: Someone saw the face of Ralph Waldo Emerson on a tortilla.
--
Q: Why can't Unitarian Universalists sing very well in choirs?
A: Because they're always reading ahead to see if they agree with the next verse.
--
Q: What do you get when you cross a Unitarian Universalist with a Jehovah's Witness?
A: Somebody who comes knocking at your door for no apparent reason.

Bumper Witnesses

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Those who abort peace and justice have no business claiming to be pro-life.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

The five senses help me appreciate life in the world.
The sixth sense helps me appreciate your world.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“Sorry, Simon, I don’t heal self-inflicted maladies. Try a cold shower or some caffeine for your hangover.”

[He was human, too. Didn’t say this, however.]

D. Blog: Bumpersticker Spirituality

- Come the rapture, we’ll have Earth to ourselves

- Knowledge speaks but wisdom listens. – Jimi Hendrix

- Religion is for people afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for people who have been there.

- Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

Beans in Your Ears?

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Arrogance and peace cannot coexist.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

Some say the sky is falling.
Or that the end is near.
Or that “natural” disasters will get us.
While I have some concern about such cries, I can’t worry about them if I’m to foster a relationship with you. So when the alarmists sound their warnings, I think/ask: does it make any difference in how I relate to you? No, it doesn’t. Fallen sky, end of the world, global warming, expiring sun or well-aimed comet, they don’t change a thing. It’s your dominion and I’m in your care.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“On the road of life, Thaddeus, you’re a speed bump.”

[Better than a pothole, I suppose, but the gospels don’t record that He ever said this.]

D. Blog: Chickpea/Garbanzo

[Two puzzling names for a simple bean. What gives? This “explanation” from Wikipedia]

The chickpea (Cicer arietinum) (also garbanzo bean, Indian pea, ceci bean, bengal gram, chana, kadale kaalu, sanaga pappu, shimbra) is an edible legume of the family Fabaceae, subfamily Faboideae. Chickpeas are high in protein (for a plant), and one of the earliest cultivated vegetables. 7,500-year-old remains have been found in the Middle East

The name chickpea traces back through the French chiche to Latin cicer (from which the Roman cognomen Cicero was taken). The word garbanzo comes from Old Spanish (perhaps influenced by Old Spanish garroba or algarroba) through arvanço which may be linked to the Greek erebinthos.

"The End Is Near"

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Consumption is like a cancer that devours peace.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

Say what??
Turn the other cheek? You must be crazy!
Say what??
Love our enemies? You must be crazy!!
Say what??
Forgive those who persecute us? You must be crazy!!!

I guess “realism” isn’t your priority, is it?
Be gracious to us.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“You and whose army?”

[To Pilate? No.]

D. Blog: "The End Is Near"

Those fanatics might not have it right in what they predict, but in a sense the end is always near. Relatively speaking, at least, my end is near, for example. The end can come in the blink of an eye for any of us. Our physical end won’t be long in coming.

The end of the world, in a physical sense, is not nearly so likely. The end of the “world as we know it,” however, can also be very near. It ends when we see it with new “eyes” or when we realize that the culture in which we live can be different, when we experience new beginnings after the death of the old.

The end being near, in this sense, is not something to be feared, but something to embrace. It’s all about resurrection.

Arresting Developments

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Skin-deep beauty cannot hide a soul’s ugliness.
Soul-deep peace transcends skin-depth “beauty”.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

It took a long time, but I think you finally got me to the level of maturity. It’s a shame that physical maturity comes so much earlier than does emotional, intellectual and spiritual maturity. I appreciate the correction some translations make to the saying of Jesus I heard in Bible readings while I was growing up, the one that says we’re to “be perfect,” which, I agree, we should read as “be mature.” Only one of those is possible for us. I don’t think Jesus would have asked the impossible in that regard. You do not expect us to be more than is possible, although I’m sure you’re open to surprises.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“Of course I practice safe sex. I believe in abstinence before marriage.”

[Hmm… After marriage? Hmm… Safe? Hmm… He didn’t say it.]

D. Blog: Arrest Blotter

I’ve been checking arrests listed in our local newspaper. I find some pretty amazing stuff that leaves me with lots of questions and bewilderment, like “what was he/she thinking!?!?” or “what kind of decision was that for a judge to make??” I’d really like to ask some of my questions of the people involved; I imagine the replies would also amaze me – or reinforce my belief that clear judgment leaves when alcohol or drugs enter the scene.

July 29, 2008
- A Canton man was arrested last week for allegedly breaking into a woman’s house and stealing a sex toy. According to warrants, 48-year-old Scott Gillis Murray broke into a home on July 25 and stole “one adult toy personal entertainment device and one bottle of personal lubricant.” County Sheriff's deputies arrested Murray Saturday and charged him with felony burglary, felony larceny after breaking and entering, and felony possession of stolen property. He was released on $3,000 unsecured bond. He is due in District Court Aug. 13.

[(a) Felony? (b) A little more information about this sex toy, owned by a woman and desirable to a man? (c) Was he jealous? Had she thrown him over in favor of something more gratifying sexually? (d) How did the deputies find him out? … I’d like to know more of this story. I might have to write it to satisfy my curiosity.]

August 3, 2008
- Joey Dewayne Riddle, 31, of Black Mountain, charged with financial card theft and possession of burglary tools. According to warrants, Riddle stole a woman’s credit card and possessed a putty knife. His bond was set at $6,000.

[(a) Whoa, now. Having a putty knife equals possession of a burglary tool? Goodness, I hope they don’t come searching the houses in my neighborhood. We’d all wind up in custody! (b) Again, do you suppose the woman knew this man? Otherwise, how did the authorities know to arrest him? He’s not charged with trying to use the card, just stealing it. … Wouldn’t you like to know the rest of this story, too?

Sabbath Haiku

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Don’t mind me. I’m just dreaming of peace.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

You realize that having called me to this place, you cannot expect me to leave.
You do realize that having met you, I could never commit to another.
You know that this is the place and you are the one for me.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“How many Romans does it take to change the wick in an oil lamp? A legion. One to change the wick, the rest to collect protection money from the virgins.”

[He loved those old Roman jokes, I think. But He never said this.]

D. Blog: A Sabbath Haiku

The schedule gets hectic
Time too full, time to pause
Ahh, so refreshing

His Head Wasn't Screwed on Tight

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Peace grows like the mustard seed, but it does require planting.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

You make my day.
And before that, my seconds, minutes and hours.
And after that, my weeks, months, years and decades.
You make my life, which is made up of so much more than time measurements.
You make my time worthwhile.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“Because my cousin John lived in the desert and ate locusts and wild honey and preached a message of hellfire and damnation, some people thought his head wasn’t screwed on tight enough.”

[Herod being one of them, apparently. But sorry, He never said this.]

D. Blog: Of Day and Night

Days seem warm. Nights seem cool.
Days have brightness. Nights have darkness.
We, too, might have those cycles or capacities. I prefer the warm and bright, but cool and dark have their place as well. Let me be what I prefer and cope with the others, so that they do not hinder joy.

Born in Bethlehem

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

Study cultures that have no word for war.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

At peace with you, I know peace with the world.
Forgiven by you, I can forgive others.
Loved by you, I can love others, including “enemies”.
Trusting you, I can overcome my fears.
Inspired by you, I can appreciate beauty, truth and humor.
Knowing you bless me, I can share with neighbors.
Aware of your presence, I enjoy life’s journey.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“Guys, when you go shopping for the Passover meal, see if you can find some of those Dove chocolates to go with the wine – much better than some dry bread.”

[Dove, Jesus. They go together, but He never said this.]

D. Blog: Where Was Jesus Born?

A lifelong unchurched man suddenly develops a vague religious urge and decides to join a church--any church. So he sets out to find one. His first stop is a Roman Catholic church where he asks what he has to do to join. The priest mentions diligent study and the affirmation of the Nicene and Apostles' Creeds, then--just to see how much the man knows--asks him where Jesus was born. "Pittsburgh," he answers. "Get out!" cries the shocked priest.
Next stop is a Southern Baptist church where the seeker is told he will have to learn Bible verses, swear belief in the Nicene and Apostles' creeds, swear off booze, and be baptized ("By immersion, not just some sissy sprinkling"). The Baptist preacher then, to see how much this man knows, asks him where Jesus was born. "Philadelphia?" he asks tentatively (once bitten, twice shy). "Get out, you heathen!" yells the preacher.
Our perplexed protagonist finally walks into a Unitarian church where he is told all he has to do is sign a membership card. "You mean I don't have to renounce anything, swear to anything, or be dunked in anything?" "That's right. We have no special tests for membership, no dogma. We support total individual freedom of belief." "Then I'll join! But tell me--where was Jesus born?" "Why, Bethlehem, of course." The man's face lights up. "I knew it was some place in Pennsylvania!"

Let Your Bumper Speak

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

The war on terror is over. I fear no evil.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

You sent us into the world, your universe, gave us life in a perfect setting for life. You set us free to be.
For some of us, life holds great pain and suffering, and we struggle to find any happiness at all. Violence and poverty mark our daily existence. Still, you set us free to be in a place of marvels.
For some of us, life ends swiftly, “untimely” we say. Accident or disease or illness take us before we have done all that we could. Nevertheless, you set us free to be – connected to people who care about us.
For some of us, life seems without joy or happiness. We feel trapped in our places or jobs or relationships that oppress our spirits. Yet, you have set us free to be – and to sense beauty, to laugh at a joke or at human folly, to feel a spark of goodness within ourselves.
And there you are, setting us free – again.
Amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“A round for everybody, on me.”

[He was inclusive, for sure. He reportedly turned water to wine at a wedding. He came for all, for sure. He never said this, though.]

D. Blog: Got a Bumper? Speak Out!

- Secrecy is the freedom tyrants dream of. – Bill Moyers

- Those who vote decide nothing. Those who count the votes decide everything. – Joseph Stalin

- I give evolution two opposable thumbs up!

- I believe in life before death

Confound It!

A. Unabashed Pacifist:

I’m casting my vote for peace.

B. Unabashed Christian:

Holy One,

Here I am (we are) again, waiting for you…
And, sure enough, you appear. Do I see you?
Here I am again, listening for you…
And, sure enough, you speak. Do I hear you?
Let it be so.

amen

C. Un-quoting Jesus:

“Honk if you love me!”

[Like a goose? No, He never said it.]

D. Blog: Confound

[from Online Etymology Dictionary]

c.1290, "discomfit, abash, confuse," from Anglo-Fr. confoundre, from O.Fr. confondre, from L. confundere "to confuse," lit. "to pour together," from com- "together" + fundere "to pour" (see found (2)). The fig. sense of "confuse, fail to distinguish, mix up" emerged in L., passed into O.Fr. and thence into M.E., where it is mostly found in Scripture; the sense of "destroy utterly" is recorded in Eng. from c.1300. The L. pp., meanwhile, became confuse (q.v.). Confounded as an execration is first recorded 1652.
[So, political campaigns have been around for a long time...]

[From dictionary.com]

1. to perplex or amaze, esp. by a sudden disturbance or surprise; bewilder; confuse: The complicated directions confounded him.
2. to throw into confusion or disorder: The revolution confounded the people.
3. to throw into increased confusion or disorder.
4. to treat or regard erroneously as identical; mix or associate by mistake: truth confounded with error.
5. to mingle so that the elements cannot be distinguished or separated.
6. to damn (used in mild imprecations): Confound it!
7. to contradict or refute: to confound their arguments.
8. to put to shame; abash.
9. Archaic.
a.to defeat or overthrow.
b. to bring to ruin or naught.
10. Obsolete. to spend uselessly; waste.